


Psalm 88 [DESPAIR]

by EllieWan



Series: Siegetober 2020 [29]
Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Bible Quotes, M/M, Religion, Siegetober (Rainbow Six)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:47:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27289645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EllieWan/pseuds/EllieWan
Summary: Doc and Lion argue one more time.And Lion can't take it anymore.
Relationships: Olivier "Lion" Flament/Gustave "Doc" Kateb
Series: Siegetober 2020 [29]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948948
Comments: 6
Kudos: 30





	Psalm 88 [DESPAIR]

**Author's Note:**

> Tried something. Started writing it with the King James Version, because that's the only English one I have at home, but finally went for the Revised Standard Version. I hope it won't be a problem.  
> \+ Sorry for any mistake / weird phrasing.

Olivier was broken, sad, shattered. He couldn’t take it anymore. The way Gustave would bring it back up, reproach him all his sins and his past mistakes. Olivier couldn’t take it anymore. Being sent back to the past he was trying to escape, trying to get away from; it felt like trying to move through quicksand, each step being dragged down to the absorbing ground, draining his energy.

He was tired, so tired of trying to prove he had changed. Trying to prove he could be a better man. That it was the past and he couldn’t undo it. He took his head in both hands and silently wept. At least he was alone, in the silent blank chapel of the base. Both a shelter and a reminder of how he was lonely.

When would it end? Didn’t he suffer enough? From his parents? From society? From whom he used to be? He wanted it to end so bad. All this toxicity. All this darkness, this anger he kept receiving from everyone around him. He had changed. What couldn’t anyone see that? He just wanted to be free from the burden of someone he no longer was. He wanted Gustave to smile, not even laugh, just smile at him. Frankly, brightly, like he used to. Why someone you loved so much could also hurt you so much with his words? How could you love someone like that? Why couldn’t his feelings like… vanish?

He dropped to his knees and started humming in his head, for himself, the only psalm that could voice his pain and help him talk to Him:

_O Lord, my God, I call for help by day;_  
_I cry out in the night before thee._  
_Let my prayer come before thee,_  
_incline thy ear to my cry!_

_For my soul is full of troubles,_  
_and my life draws near to Sheol._  
_I am reckoned among those who go down to the Pit;_  
_I am a man who has no strength,_  
_like one forsaken among the dead,_  
_like the slain that lie in the grave,_  
_like those whom thou dost remember no more,_  
_for they are cut off from thy hand._  
_Thou hast put me in the depths of the Pit,_  
_in the regions dark and deep._  
_Thy wrath lies heavy upon me,_  
_and thou dost overwhelm me with all thy waves._  
_Thou hast caused my companions to shun me;_  
_thou hast made me a thing of horror to them._  
_I am shut in so that I cannot escape;_  
_my eye grows dim through sorrow._  
_Every day I call upon thee, O Lord;_  
_I spread out my hands to thee._  
_Dost thou work wonders for the dead?_  
_Do the shades rise up to praise thee?_  
_Is thy steadfast love declared in the grave,_  
_or thy faithfulness in Abaddon?_  
_Are thy wonders known in the darkness,_  
_or thy saving help in the land of forgetfulness?_

_But I, O Lord, cry to thee;_  
_in the morning my prayer comes before thee._  
_O Lord, why dost thou cast me off?_  
_Why dost thou hide thy face from me?_  
_Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,_  
_I suffer thy terrors; I am helpless._  
_Thy wrath has swept over me;_  
_thy dread assaults destroy me._  
_They surround me like a flood all day long;_  
_they close in upon me together._  
_Thou hast caused lover and friend to shun me;_  
_my companions are in darkness._

“Hey” Gustave’s voice called.

“I’m praying.” Olivier replied.

“I know.”

Gustave sat next to him and silently waited. Patiently. Like if he didn’t want to disturb him, but at the same time, like if he couldn’t wait for another moment.

“What do you want?” Olivier asked, his voice wet and hoarse “Can’t you see I’m.. I’m done?”

“I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Gustave answered. “For bringing up Alexis. And your past. And… yeah.”

Olivier sniffed and wiped his nose with the waist of his shirt.

“Just… leave me alone.” He muttered.

“I still love you.”

A gaping silence followed. Olivier didn’t reply nor move from an inch, neither did Gustave. Time froze and never had this chapel been this quiet. One might have thought they were ghosts, haunting a place that had been long forgotten.

“Wh-What did you say?”

“I still love you, Olivier.” Gustave sighed “It’s never gone.”

“Then… why…?”

“I’m broken too, you know.”

Olivier huffed and crossed his arms, leaning forward, over the pew in front of him, and hiding his forehead on his arms. He just wanted it to end. No matter how, no matter the outcome; with or without Gustave, with or without Rainbow. He just wanted to be at peace, he had been sinking and struggling for too long.

 _Are not the days of my life few?  
_ _Let me alone, that I may find a little comfort  
_ _before I go whence I shall not return,  
_ _to the land of gloom and deep darkness,_  
_the land of gloom and chaos,  
_ _where light is as darkness._

“I still love you.”

“You’ve already said that.” Lion bitterly replied.

“I know. But it feels good to say it.”

“Well, not to hear.”

It really wasn’t. It should have been melting his heart to finally hear those words again from Gustave. But it was rubbing the knife in the wound. He still loves you and despite that he still doesn’t want you. You could be in love, but you messed up everything. You could be loved, but now you don’t deserve it anymore. You spoilt everything. You ruined everything. And even God, whose Love you were born with, seems not inclined to grant you any kind of rest nor redemption.

“I know you’ve changed.”

“You have a weird way to show it.”

“You’ve never been a bad man, Olivier. Never. Not even… back then. With Claire. With Nigeria. You were a good man doing bad things.”

“Stop it. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

Gustave put his hand on Olivier’s arm, who shivered at the contact but didn’t dare shake him off; the touch like a stab to his ribs, but a stab piercing his lungs and allowing him to breathe. Gustave gently pressed his fingers on Lion’s skin.

“And you’re still a good man deep inside, and that’s why I still love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you liked it, lemme know what you thought :)


End file.
